PS026 - PS027 - Rituals of Our Tribe; Behavior, Identity and Romance

Dec 18

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Episode: https://shows.acast.com/660e243b2f834f0017de9181/episodes/660e2440acbcaf00174d9946

In the past two months, I have had two podcasts go live over at Erotic Awakening.

It is always interesting to see how my mind and heart work when it comes to podcasts - sometimes they are formal class material, while other times they are personal ruminations that have aspects of being a journal. I realized that, as it went live, that this was my 24th month of podcasts with Erotic Awakening... two years. Time flies by in such amazing ways.To see the complete list of my podcasts with them to date, as well as my podcasts with RISK!, Get Lusty, Big Little Podcast and more, visit my Audio page :)

EA221 - Rituals of Our Tribe After giving a recap of his tour with Mollena Williams for their new book, “Playing Well With Others,” Lee shares his emotional journey through the handing down of rituals. What touches us that is handed down by those who came before? What ways will we carry the work forward? From classes to rituals, connection to fetish, let’s touch into the Work, and also remember that we deserve excellence… and hotness/fun too!

Episode: https://shows.acast.com/660e243b2f834f0017de9181/episodes/660e2440acbcaf00174d9945

[music intro]
Announcer:
Welcome to Erotic Awakening, an exploration of all things erotic. Every Thursday, your hosts, Dan and dawn, share with you their experience and insights on kink, power exchange, and erotic life, as well as bring you interviews with exciting people from various lifestyles. Then every Monday, you'll hear from our various guest hosts. These nationally-known educators bring a variety of experience to the mics and share with you an ever-increasing, diverse world of alternative life.
Erotic Awakening is intended for mature audiences. If you are offended by adult topics or prohibited by law, we recommend you stop listening right now.
Lee:
Hello, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, and welcome to Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington.
It has been a crazy month and a half. I have been having this adventure over the last three and a half weeks with the fantastic Ms. Mollena Williams, who is now going by Mollena, if nothing else, because she's decided that she is so fantastic, she only needs one name, and I personally would agree.
We've been traveling all over the place promoting our brand new book, Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating BDSM, Kink, and Leather Communities. And as part of that adventure, we decided to have a road trip. And this is how all good ideas start, I find, is a idea proposed on an email, or a text message, at 2 a.m. in the morning.
And we decided that, no, no, really, let's do this, because both of us have freaky strange schedules, and it happened to be that our schedules matched up. So we decided, let's go, let's see what happens.
So our road trip so far has taken us from Boston to Hartford, New York to Philadelphia, Baltimore to Cleveland, Chicago to St. Louis, Albuquerque to Phoenix, Los Angeles to San Francisco, a whistle stop in Klamath Falls, Oregon, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, and I am currently recording from the beautiful Vancouver, BC.
It's been a complete whirlwind. Everything from classes at universities, at the fantastic University of Chicago, to kinky cafe spaces, a masquerade ball, a Halloween party featuring a class on taboo fantasy role playing by Mollena and myself, a sexuality conference, the fantastic Dark Odyssey: Surrender, which totally blew my mind away, appearing at munches, going to dungeon spaces, going to sex shops.
It's been amazing, absolutely amazing. And a large part of it is getting to just experience the diversity of this thing we call the kink community. Because a lot of times, when I talk to people, they have a very specific image of what the kink community looks like to them, as I talked about in a podcast two months ago. And I'll happily link to that.
But getting to experience it firsthand in such a compact period of time, where, in most cases, we were hitting a different city every single day - having that experience of having it all contracted down was incredibly powerful. Getting to talk to folks who have been in the scene literally for 40 years, and other people who coming out to whatever it is that we were doing was their first thing. Their first exploration into the kink community and having that breadth of experience, as well as all of those crazy regional differences, seeing how people interact with each other in the Midwest as compared to the Northwest. Right? A little bit different flavors.
So here I am now in Vancouver, BC and reflecting on the experience of it all. And I did say five weeks, because before that I had done a period of time in Toronto and another period in the beautiful Phoenix, Arizona. So I got Phoenix twice in just over a month, which is great.
So I've been on the road for a while, and there are certain moments that have touched me, like really profoundly touched me. And some of them in really weird little ways. Having a person I know in Chicago hand knit me a scarf was, wow, really, really beautiful.
Getting to spend time with my mother in Seattle, having an opportunity to wander by myself around Los Angeles, and remember the times I've been there before and actually getting to sink in some quality time.
Those moments where I look into the eyes of old friends. Getting to see an ex-boyfriend of mine down in Albuquerque and his fantastic new fiancee. Those times where I got to curl up with somebody who… it's a little bit complicated with, but really, really excellent with.
Having hard conversations, from the bottoms of a train. These things are important, these moments that shape and transform us, and this tour is… is something that I will remember, in my life.
And part of the reason that I'll be remembering it is what I think of as “the rituals of our tribe.” I was at Dark Odyssey: Surrender, which is a brand new event that just debuted in San Francisco featuring the Dark - that's being produced by the folks at Dark Odyssey, that you've heard me talk about before - with Dark Odyssey: Fusion, Dark Odyssey: Summer Camp, and Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire coming up in February in Washington, DC.
But they debuted a brand new event, in San Francisco itself, at the same venue that hosts a couple of other kink conferences. But when I talked to people who attended, it was a different experience than the other ones they've been to, because unlike it being an all-Leather event or an all-men's event, this was specifically an event that crosses over between kink, and tantra, and paganism, and queer politics, and people embracing the diversity while coming together and enjoying their hedonism.
While I was there, I had the opportunity to teach two solo classes, fill in for a class, do a performance art piece, co-teach two classes, and do the opening ritual. All of these were… individual. They were all a different thing. Because the rope class? Hands-on fun, silly, laughing, everybody having a great time, really, really fun.
Doing my class that is a roundtable discussion called Beings of Faith and Desire, which is about exploring, and looking at what it's like to be a person of faith - and still embracing whatever our hedonism looks like, was… so beautiful that I wanted to cry.
Someone in the space talked about how they had been kicked out of their family and excommunicated from their faith - because they were perverts. And other folks were talking about monastic lifestyles and what it was like to move, and currently what it's like to move, from being somebody who finds profound connection to the divine through an ascetic practice and is now a hedonist. What do you do with that?
Moving from those two, my co-taught classes were on Dark Role-playing, with Wintersong Tashlin, where the word of the day was evisceration and disembowelment. I guess that would make it words of the day, wouldn't it? And I joke about it, and laugh about that, but it was really, really beautiful to see folks talk about those things that they're afraid to share with the world, out of concern that they're going to lose friends, lose loved ones, because something is taboo, something is dark, something is wrong, something is inappropriate, that somehow your kink is okay, but my kink is fucked up.
It was really interesting seeing everyone share on that, and then when Mollena and I co-taught, it was on A Kink Community Primer. Which we've done a number of during this tour, but it was really different for me at Surrender, because I had one friend in the front row who I haven't seen for a number of years. And there's a story that I tell, that I've told over and over and over again, and the difference was that she was there. She was there when the story took place.
And the story is that I was waiting, with a whole bunch of our luggage, with a group of folks, to go to a TNG conference. And everybody else had run inside to a diner to get some food. And I was standing outside and minding all of the luggage, because I had already had breakfast. And this little fabulous black lady comes up, probably in her seventies, I want to say, and she comes up and goes, “Well, where are you kids off to?”
And everybody's just returned from their diner, and they're about to speak. And I just say, “Actually, we're about to go to a relationships conference where we're going to talk about how to have better communication with the people that we care about.” And the little old lady went, “Oh, that's fantastic! I didn't work on that with my husband until we've been married for years and years and years. I think it's great that you kids are starting on that stuff so young.” And she headed in a different direction.
I remember my friends turning to me and saying, Why did you lie to the little old lady? And I explained that I didn't. I was speaking in her language. And the friend of mine who was sitting in the front row of the class started laughing and saying, “Oh, my God, I remember that. That was hilarious, and you handled that so well. And it taught me a lot, and that was really cool, I remember that.”
And having somebody who was there, who remembers it - who was there to tell us that we didn't make it up. Because there are moments, at least in my life, where I look back and go, okay, if my life were a movie, I would have considered that it jumped the shark a number of years ago.
“Riiiiight. You started out in the BDSM community at a young age, and got to explore and travel all over the world as a porn actress, and then you had a gender transition, so now you're this dude who works full time as a sex educator?” It sounds a little fictitious. If I were watching it on a movie, I might question it.
And yet - I have friends who were there. I have friends who can turn to me and say, “No, really, I remember. I was there. That moment happened. You're not crazy. You might be a little eccentric. You might be a little bit off kilter some days, but you're not crazy. You didn't make this up, I was there and I lived it too.” And that made that class really special to me.
So as I was exploring Dark Odyssey: Surrender, doing the performance art piece, playing with people who I care about profoundly, going to have good meals with people who I adore, all of that kind of stuff, there was a moment that really, really touched me.
Wintersong and I have been co-sharing roles as Dark Odyssey's tribal shamans, as it were. We do a lot of the opening and closing rituals at the different events, and I've been really touched over the years to get to do a lot of the major rites as well.
And we were getting ready to go downstairs at Surrender, to go open the space. That we took - we decided to take the center of the play space, downstairs, and create a circle there. Where we had everybody gather around and set their intentions, and what they're looking for, and really hold that energy. And then we would take the circle of energy and move it out to the rest of space, and make this a liminal space between worlds. The idea that it would be something new and created together.
And Winter's got this singing bowl in his hands and I'm there in my leathers, my Leather title vest and all that stuff, and we pass by Robert Lawrence. Now, Robert Lawrence is one of the founders for the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco, which is a beautiful space. Hosts educational events, hosts parties, has a huge library that is just beautiful, with those really sexy library rolling ladders, because the library goes from floor to ceiling, and it's a very tall ceiling, so if you're just into library porn, go to the Center for Sex and Culture.
And we wander by him, and he bows a little, and says, “Thank you for continuing on the traditions of our tribe. Thank you for continuing on the rituals of our tribe.”
And my heart stopped for a moment. Because Robert's been exploring the kink community publicly from - since at least the ‘70s, if not the ‘60s, and is this beautiful gentleman with long flowing hair, who was carrying a whip that perfectly matched and was engraved in the same way as the cane that he was walking on. Beautiful inside and out. He is a living saint of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
I've known him, on and off, for many years, and it was huge for me, to hear those words from him. It's just like hearing Cleo Dubois and Fakir Musafar say, thank you for writing Sacred Kink. This is important stuff. Hearing Cleo say, this new book you have, Playing Well with Others, this is what our community needs. This is important.
And for me, when the elders of our people - folks who have been doing this for ages and ages, people who were trained by people who remember. Talking to the people who remember, the people who were there, having them say these kinds of things to me echoes in my heart, echoes in my being, echoes in my spirit, touches my soul in a way that is beautiful, that is breathtaking, and that also feels like an obligation. That if I've been handed these traditions, it is my obligation to carry them forward, and I do not take such things lightly.
And so going downstairs and doing that ritual, encouraging people to craft what this would look like, felt a little bit more intense that evening, because Robert had said that.
And I think these moments, where somebody says something offhand that touches us, are important to hold on to. These are the moments that change our lives, these are the moments that we remember. It's not necessarily the “big booms,” as it were. It's not necessarily the “oh my god, that thing was crazy.” Sometimes it's the little words whispered to us as we're wandering by.
Sometimes it's that little thing a lover says at 3 a.m., when they don't think we're listening.
Sometimes it's the moment where a hand caresses across our cheek, as compared to when the hooks went in.
Sometimes it's the little things.
And as I was there feeling the idea of, feeling the experience of carrying on these traditions of our tribe, I felt something stir in me. As I walked around the circle - that wasn't a perfect circle, it was a perfect whatever the hell it is. As I was walking around that space, I decided to lock eyes with every single person I passed.
That this is not just about me, as a priest or as a shaman of our people, passing on this information. It's not just me doing the magic. Magic is intention times attention. And if we look at it that way, you can cast these spells too. You can create this reality, you do the work. We all do.
And so I locked eyes with each person as I walked around the circle and acknowledged them and passed that on. “This is yours too. These are the rituals of our tribe and you get to take them forward.”
That flogger that you are hitting with is a tool that has been used for so long, to transform our states of consciousness, to create an altered state of consciousness. To awaken consciousness. That's part of what we do and it is important. These tools we have, have history. These tools we have have meaning.
We wear our leathers. We strap on our thigh-high latex boots, and in doing so, evoke the memory of every single femdom that has come before. We call them a fetish for a reason.
Those things that are taboo role-playing are called “taboo” for a reason because, like tapu, we are embracing and touching something that is meant only for the gods. That is meant only for the leaders of our tribe. We are doing something transcendent, something powerful, and it should not be taken lightly. If we go here, we are going somewhere powerful, somewhere important. Think twice before you cross this line. There is no going back.
And in some cases, if you do that thing that is taboo, you will not be the beloved of your tribe anymore. It's a scary place, a scary moment to consider - but we make decisions, and we make choices, and we make choices on who we share these things with.
And so being back in that moment, continuing on the traditions of a tribe - I still don't believe we are a single tribe. I don't think we ever will be, because it's a confederation of tribes that happen to fly the same freak flag.
We are so diverse in our sexual desires, in our political realities, in our geographic realities, that we're never going to be a single tribe, a single community - and that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that it is a single homogenous experience. I am saying that when we choose to create something powerful, and it takes on traditions and rituals, we have the capacity to hand down the power, hand down the gnosis of those things that we do. That is the meaning when I say tribe. That we have a shared history, that we have a shared meaning, and that this is important.
And to a lot of you listening, it's not important, and that's cool. Kink can be just kink. Kink can be fun, and hot, and sexy, and enjoyable, and a great way to get it on with your lover. Rock on. That's fantastic! Embrace it, do it, own it. I'm all for that.
There's a lot of my kink that's just like, “You know what? Yeah! That. That's what I want. Shove that in, push that down, push me down to the ground, use me, fill me. Let me have my boot on the back of your neck.”
Yeah. It's good. But there's others of us that are doing other kinds of Work, who are not just playing, but are doing capital-W Work. And for us, there might be something different going on.
And in some cases, we're doing both. Put that boot on the back of my neck and let me fly! Let me sink down into the underworld, transform my reality as you grind me down.
Sometimes it can be E, all of the above. On Monday, after Surrender, I went to the second meeting of a group called BASK, Bay Area Sacred Kink. And I wanted to cry as Luna Bella introduced me.
Luna Bella and Kalliope are the fantastic individuals who founded BASK, but their goal is to get a community of individuals who are doing sacred kink working of all kinds of shapes and sizes, who want to share a space together, who want to share educational opportunities together, who want to do ritualistic workings together, who want to have a place to come and have those profound connections and interactions where… it won't be weird.
They invited me to come out and do a class/ritual on what they call the sacred element of bondage. And as they talked about that - we had some conversations ahead of time - it got me really thinking about the idea that if the different eightfold paths are major pathways to altered states of consciousness, what are the different tools?
Do we associate them by elements - north, south, east and west - and what we associate those with, either in ceremonial magic or in Wicca and other pagan traditions? And that's one possibility, the idea that north is the stomping of boots, the idea that east is the singing of a single tail whip through the air. The idea that south is fire and wax dripping down onto the flesh, and that west is spit, and cum, and bliss, and piss.
And if that's the case, that's one way to sort these things out, but what if we sort them out instead with bondage being the idea, and restraint for north, of grounding us down into our ties?
So I started playing around with that idea, and when I came to BASK, I ended up doing a hands-on technique of teaching people a Texas Handcuff, which goes on fairly quick and easily, and then looked at applying intention and attention to that same tie, along with doing some conversational and - we'll call it a sermon. I did a sermon, of sorts, on the notion of rope, and bondage, and the power that it can have.
And at the end of it, we did a ritual together where we took our intentions and attention, and applied them specifically to creating BASK - Bay Area Sacred Kink - into something that would be tribal, something that would be communal. What were your prayers and thoughts either for the group, or for your own personal exploration in this work?
And we took a piece of rope that had been gifted from Dark Odyssey, from one of the producers of Dark Odyssey, and we used that to be able to hand down tradition. That, literally, a piece of Dark Odyssey was used as a seed for growing the garden that is BASK. That BASK is going to be its own totally different garden, but there's going to be a few flowers that might have that feeling of Dark Odyssey.
So with that being the case, it made me really remember that these pieces all tie together. These things we did before and the things we're going to do to come. But the piece that also made me cry, there, was the introduction that Luna Bella gave me. She told the room that Bay Area Sacred Kink got its title from my book Sacred Kink, and that I was doing some really important work.
And… I still don't know how to handle that statement.
I'm wondering if you, at home, have those moments where people say really cool things about you - and you don't believe it. Where somebody says, “Oh my god, last weekend when you were wearing that outfit or when you were tied up, it was so beautiful. You are so beautiful.” Do you believe it?
Do you believe it when somebody says “That thing was so hot,” or “I want to play with you because you have such amazing talent and skill?” Do you believe it?
Do you believe it when somebody says “I love you.” Do you believe it?
Do you believe you deserve these words of affirmation? Do you believe you deserve the gift of somebody saying something profound about you, or something little about you that just happens to tweak you in that little bit of a weird direction?
Do you deserve this?
I know, for myself, I don't always believe it. I just don't. I'm working on it. And my hope is for you, you'll start working on it too, because you're an amazing being.
You are powerful and beautiful, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it. And sometimes it doesn't look like it from the outside, when we're crying, and snot's falling out of our nose, and the day just sucks.
But that doesn't make us any less amazing, and it doesn't make the things we did three years ago any less amazing, and that doesn't make us any less powerful, because today it's really crappy, as compared to how it was a few days back. So, maybe it's a meditation to think on, or a mantra, or, eh, something to ponder and throw away.
Right, you don't have to take all of my advice. Hell, I certainly don't. Just words on a paper. Words sent to you over the pixels. And I'm sending these words out, because maybe, if you start believing it, I might too. And we're not going to be as alone.
And when I talk about passing on the traditions of our tribe, that’s… I think that's part of the center of it. I think that's one of the pieces, is that we're not alone. There's other people out there who are doing the same stuff, or really similar stuff, who get it. Who share a lexicon, who share an experience, who will see you and look you eye to eye and say, “Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
Yeah, I get it.
So this has been Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. And my hope is that I'm out here too, letting you know that I get it. Until next time, stay cool, have fun, be authentically yourself, and have a fantastic journey.
[music outro]

EA227 - Behavior, Identity and RomanceThis month, Lee looks into the words we use to label ourselves, as well as our desires, and compares them to the things we do. Heterosexual men who have sex with men. Polyamorous perverts who date only one person. Along the way he discusses how romancing men as a woman was different than romancing women or men as a man has been different, discusses gay and queer culture, and even sneaks in a personals add. Let’s look at our authentic desires, see where they match with our behaviors, and weigh out whether we are being true to ourselves.

[music intro]
Announcer:
Welcome to Erotic Awakening, an exploration of all things erotic. Every Thursday, your hosts, Dan and dawn, share with you their experience and insights on kink, power exchange, and erotic life, as well as bring you interviews with exciting people from various lifestyles. Then every Monday, you'll hear from our various guest hosts. These nationally-known educators bring a variety of experience to the mics and share with you an ever-increasing, diverse world of alternative life.
Erotic Awakening is intended for mature audiences. If you are offended by adult topics or prohibited by law, we recommend you stop listening right now.
Lee:
Hello, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, and welcome to Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. In this monthly show, I've had the delight of talking about everything from age play to power exchange, romance to sacred sexuality, had guest discussions, as well as shared my own rambling path.
And I am so delighted to be back, and talking today about something that's been exciting, challenging, delightful, horrible, all rolled into one. We'll just call it [chuckles] all rolled into one. And that is the notion of identity as compared to behavior, as well as how sex and romance ties into all of that stuff.
About a week and a half, two weeks ago, I sat down with my partner and we were talking about secondary partners, lovers, friends who are a little bit extra in our world, fuck buddies, all of that kind of stuff. And for me, I was talking about a little bit of my sorrow. A little bit of my sadness, a little bit of my regret, that I don't have a lot of cisgendered men - men who were born men and still identify as men - I don't have a lot who are lovers, play partners, or currently have any that are partners. And that's really interesting for me because I identify somewhere in the queer/gay spectrum that's part of my experience.
And he looked at me, and in other words, basically said, “So, um, then… why do you keep dating women?”
And I paused.
And I really had to chew on that question. I have amazing women in my world, women who are intense, and beautiful, and funny, and smart, and hilarious. Some who have been in my world for a really long time. Some who are brilliant shining new stars in my world.
And yet the reality, for me, is that my sexual turn-ons, the things that get me wet, that get me hard, that get me jacked into my own sexual desire, predominantly involve me wanting to play with men. When I am alone at home and no one is watching but me, my fantasies tend - not always - but tend or trend towards fantasies involving men.
So I ask you, listening, that when you are home alone, or you're enjoying yourself in bed or the shower, what is the thing that you're jerking off to? What is your fantasy? What is that one thing that pushes you over the edge? What's that thing?
As I thought about my things, and the thing that Aiden had said, I realized that my identity and my behavior don't match. They don't. The things that I match myself up to in my head, and the things that I do when interacting with other people, are different. I am not the only one.
There's this amazing culture that I've been interacting more with - or at least becoming more aware of - in New York called being on the down low, or being on the DL.
Now, men who are on the DL are men who oftentimes are in romantic, sexual, or emotional relationships with women. They date women, they marry women. These are guys who sometimes are husbands, who are sometimes, oftentimes, fathers. Well, not oftentimes, but often enough.
These are men who are exploring - on the down low, though - their sexual attraction and desire with other men. But if you call them gay, or call them homosexual? No, no, no, no, no. That's not part of their reality. They're dudes who occasionally do stuff with other dudes, but it's not this thing, you know? Or if it is a thing, we don't talk about it. It just kind of is what it is.
I actually had a guy, recently, when I was at the laundromat, of all places, look over at me and say, “So, you fold real nice laundry.” And I'm like, “uh, thanks.”
He's like, “No,” and then winked, “you fold real nice laundry.”
And it's in those moments where - it's not some guy looking for some guy to have a relationship with. It's about that momentary hookup. There are some guys who are on the DL who have that reoccurring play partner. In fact, there's whole cultures involving such things.
But it was really interesting looking at signs recently - uh looking at these signs in subway stations in certain parts of Brooklyn, where it's AIDS awareness and STD awareness, where it's black guys who are looking at the sign, looking like every other dude, saying, “Hey, I know my status. Do you?”
And that was really interesting to me, because in this push for education for men who have sex with men, MSM, for men who have sex with men, there's an entire push for - or has been, historically - for gay men to educate gay men and for, you know, to reach out with rainbow pride, and this, and that.
But gay is not just about being homosexual. Homo, same; sexual, to be involved in sexual attraction or behavior. So therefore, attraction to the same sex, or sexual behavior to the same sex, depending on which definition you look at.
“Gay” is not just these things, gay is a culture. Gay is a type of movie interest. Gay has become a pride parade, gay has become a ghetto, gay has become symbolic interactions with one another. Gay has become archetypes. And this is not the case for everyone who is a man who has sex with men.
There's also an entire culture known as androphiles or androphiliacs, where it is men who are attracted to male bodies, where it is like there's - there's gynephiles, people who are attracted to women's body; androphiles, people who are attracted to men's body or men's experience.
And there's a lot of people who are androphiles, for whom the idea of somebody being the penetrative partner is… holds no interest whatsoever because then somebody “isn't being the man anymore.”
All of these definitions are really tricky, though. Because, let's say, my identity is heterosexual. That I believe in my heart of hearts, and when I talk to other individuals, I say I am interested in relationship with people of the “opposite” gender. Which infers that there's opposite genders, but that's a whole different can of worms, when we talk about trans issues, genderqueerness, what is gender, all of that stuff. But let's pretend, for a moment, that there's homosexuality and heterosexuality.
I know people that actively identify as heterosexual… who, once in a blue moon, will fuck somebody of the same gender, or once in a blue moon might fall for somebody of the same gender.
I know people who are lesbian-identified who, you know, every 10 years or so, go and get some cock. Because, you know, try it out, see how it goes, go, “eh, that was fun,” and then go back to their lesbian relationships.
There's also people I know that identify as bisexual, who, in the term of my former husband, actually moved to the words “bisensual,” because he loved making out with men. He loved touching men, caressing men, and - well, those were sometimes, but he really enjoyed being in the space with other men when he was involved with MFM, male-female-male, triads, and male-female-male, you know, sexual encounters. And so sharing male-to-male space in those spaces made a lot of sense, but it wasn't the case that he actually wanted to have a long-term relationship walking down the street, holding hands with another man. That wasn't part of his reality.
So the question, then, for me, becomes, if our identity is one thing and our behavior is another, how do we discern whether we're being authentic?
And I've been asking myself that exact same question. When I am falling in love with, or courting, or creating deep connection, or having incredibly hot play with these really powerful, amazing women, what does that mean to my authentic self? What does that look like for me to be pursuing this path that I refer to as “queer” or as being “interested in playing with men” or the fact that that last little thing that gets me over the edge involves cisgendered men?
Does that mean that there's some part of me that is actually transphobic if I'm not, in those pictures in the back of my head, involving trans men in that moment? Which isn't completely true. There's one or two trans guys who occasionally show up. Ah,yeah, I'd say two specific ones that come to mind, anyway, in that last little moment.
But if it's about the cock, then what's up with that? Where does that sit with my authenticity? Am I falling for women because they're safer? Because they're easier? Is that some piece of what's going on for me? In which case, am I being transparent to the women in my world?
But what if, instead, it's about romance? I love romance. Romance is powerful and palpable for me. I love sitting at the opposite side of a table from someone, and staring deeply into their eyes, and breathing together.
I love holding hands. I love joking and laughing until 2 or 3 a.m., being present with someone else. I love receiving flowers. I love love.
Let me say that again: I love love.
But I don't know how to romance men. As somebody who spent the first 25 years of my life socialized female, I don't know how to court men as a man. As a woman, I knew all of the pat little techniques that I knew would work for me. And they didn't always work, but I knew where to start. I could wear the skimpy little dress, or the tight clinging black corset cinched down tight.
Whether I was bald or with long flowing tresses, I could lean over just a little bit… flashing my cleavage, look up at someone and bat those eyes, frame those little baby blues of mine. I could whisper into someone's ears perfect filthy little words. Sit on their lap and rub just a little too much.
And it worked really well for me. I was a big girl. There's no joke, you know, no going around that thing, right? We're not talking BBW, but I was a size 18, right? Somewhere fluctuating between a size 14 and 18. And I'm 5 foot 11. I was not a small creature.
Now, that has nothing to do with sexual attractiveness. I have found myself profoundly attracted to women who were size 28, and delighted to be in the company of women who were size 0. I'm not talking about body size, but I'm talking also about attitude. I was a beautiful, larger, strong, powerful woman - my labels - not projecting on you, right? That's not a comment about whatever your journey is with your size. I'm sharing my personal experience.
And in my personal experience, even though I didn't always like the body I had, even though I had occasional body dysphoria issues, I knew how to use that body.
I knew how to use that body. As a woman flirting with men, I had tips and tricks and a place to start. I don't know where to start with men now.
There's that issue of, “oh, well, how's that going to work if you're trans?” I've had people question my gender identity and my gender reality, because I'm a trans guy who wants to play with men, and “why would you transition,” they ask, “if it's just going to limit the number of people you could actually play with?”
And that's tough. I used to be able to go to swingers clubs, or go to sex spaces, and flirt, and laugh, and open up my thighs and say “yes.” At bathhouses, as a note, also say “no,” just say it.
At bathhouses now, it's a different encounter when I have the bravery to go to them as a trans man. There are some that are very inviting. I think of Eros in San Francisco, where as long as you're male presenting and you have male ID, it's all good.
But there are some spaces that are more inviting and some that aren't, and I have to have the courage to go into them. And I find the line to be really interesting, as far as what's going to happen when people interact with me.
Some guys are like “uhh” when they look at my face, and go, “oh, okay,” look at my chest and go, “okay, scars, interesting,” cruise on down my body and then get to the place between my knees and my waist and go, “er?!” and don't quite know how to parse the experience.
There are some men who go “eh” and walk the opposite direction. And there are some men who are curious, and want to either have a conversation, or come on over and put their hand on my hip, and there's a little bit of cue to make a decision for myself. To make a responsible decision for myself and play safe.
It's interesting for me, though, because bathhouse play is still different than romancing. But as a woman, I knew the script. I knew where to start.
I know, rationally, that men date other men. And there's long-term relationships, where romance takes place, and, and… I don't know where to start. I just don't. I just don't.
But as a man, I have a script on how to seduce women. And I admit, it starts with how I wanted to be seduced. We project as human beings all the time.
But I love love. And there are amazing women in my life, and part of that involves the fact that I enjoy romance. And I know where to start with them.
It's not the finish, it's not the end, it's not a single script for every woman. That is not part of reality in any way, shape, or form. But I have a place to start. I know where to begin the conversation. I know the first few steps that might be the beginning of a dance.
And I don't know where to start with men. And I wonder, sometimes, if that makes my identity any less valid.
If I use the word “queer” - if I use the word queer, there is a bit more permission there for exploration than the word “gay.” And I love the word queer. It's fantastic. There is queer as identity, queer as culture.
When Mollena and I were working on Playing Well with Others, which is our field guide to discovering, exploring, and navigating the kink, Leather, and BDSM communities, “queer” was such a fascinating word to discuss, because a lot of people don't agree on what this word means, and so we came up with two different definitions.
The first one is an umbrella term for individuals operating outside of, or beyond, social and societal constructs of behavior, gender, identity or sexuality.
The second one is a sexual orientation, categorized by an interest or attraction to individuals unfettered by gender identities or labels.
Queer keeps shifting. The meaning of queer, the look of queer.
When we talk about gay as a culture, it's been really interesting, especially in the BDSM community, watching queer develop its own culture. Queer that presents with necks - with handkerchiefs tied around necks, with combat boots, with asymmetrical or asexual haircuts.
Queer that seems to be more open and inviting to people who are androgynous, people who are transmasculine, people who are, to be honest, historically female-bodied, or female at birth, or assigned female at birth. The number of men I know who are queer-identified is lower - or more accurately the number of cisgendered men. Because I know a lot of men who identify as queer, but the number of cisgendered men is a different thing.
I find it fascinating that a number of spaces that say, “oh, we're queer safe spaces” - that have problems with cisgendered men coming in? Like I said, it fascinates me.
Because queer is becoming a culture, I have talked with people who I consider incredibly queer, who identify as queer, who I adore and cherish as queer individuals, who have said to me, “I don't think I'm queer enough.” Because they don't map to the perspective of what queer culture projects. What it projects.
And it's not just cis men. It's also women who are femme-identified or femme-presenting. High femmes with their fabulous lipstick and seamed stockings, who embrace the power of women who choose to embrace femininity constructs, and female constructs, as they exist in our culture.
That's incredibly powerful - not to stumble into what it looks like to be a woman; not to go, “oh, well, this is what my mom did, and so I guess I'll do it too,” or “this is what Cosmo magazine tells me to do.”
These are women who pursue female femme identity as an action of self-discovery, self-claiming, and in some cases, political action. Because there is a difference between stumbling into your womanhood, and actively fighting for it, and transforming what it means in that full, powerful sense.
But queer becomes tricky.
Queer is a label that I use. I identify as a queer man, who was raised and socialized for the first 25 years as a woman, and has a history as a woman. Occasionally, I say I'm a trans guy. Occasionally, I say I'm a trans man. Occasionally, I just say, “Hey, I'm Lee.” Because that's a really fantastic and fabulous gender identity, sexual identity, and truth identity. I'm Lee. Other days, I use different names. But at the end of the day, I'm me.
So am I being authentic when I say I'm queer? Am I being authentic when I say I'm predominantly sexually attracted to men, when my behavior says something else?
The same thing applies with behavioral models within relationship. For a while, my partner and I were only seeing each other, which for people who know that I'm married to myself, is actually a little bit more complex than that truth. But as far as seeing people outside of our own skin suits, my partner and I were seeing each other.
It was a complex reality for both of us; I was going through health stuff, he was going through school and work stuff, and it worked really well for us in that time. But our identity is polyamorous, love of many. That we love many, and in our case, polyamory is not just about falling in love with different people, or having an open space for our hearts to have a chance to be able to connect with people in that way.
And one day when we were talking, we realized that our behavior had become monogamous. And we wondered, and talked with one another, about whether we were okay with that. That our identity as polyamorous individuals wasn't necessarily what our behavior was in that moment.
And I don't know if that's fully fair to even say, looking back on it, because we still had other people that were dear to us. Even if we weren't dating them, even if we weren't having sex with them, they were still precious to us. And if we open up our definition of love to be this broader spectrum of truth? Because at the end of the day, in English there are not enough words. For love, for adoration, for connection, for truth, for beauty, for seeing into someone's heart.
The difference between “love” that is the love between a parent and a child, and the “love” between a lover and yourself who just met 20 minutes ago, and you are falling in love, falling further and further. Or - you are holding their hand in love and skipping down the street, neither of you tumbling to your demise, but instead saying yes and shouting it from the rooftops, and supporting each other as you walk, run, skip into and through love.
And so as we were having this conversation, we realized again that these things don't always match up, and in our case, it's okay.
So as I look at my own sexual and emotional behavior right now, as compared to my sexual and emotional stated desires, is there a disconnect? Yeah. But is following my behavior, attraction, and connection with amazing and powerful women inauthentic? No.
No. I'm checking my brain right now to make sure that that's true.
[pauses]
And… it's true. It's not inauthentic. And yet that doesn't always solve the problem - the challenge of those needs, wants, and desires. They are not always the thing that I am craving. Does it mean that I'm not craving them? No. No, it's not what it means at all.
But there is those days, where I want to be romanced by a man. Where I want to romance a man in turn, where I want hot, sweaty sex with bodies pushed down, and standing over them, where I am licking their boot and they are shoving me down into their crotch. Those moments where facial hair scratches up against facial hair, and calloused hands run their way down my back.
These are truths of my desire. So how do I make it happen?
How do I make it happen?
It's been argued for me, by folks who are devotees of “the secret,” who believe in the law of attraction, that you have to have open space in your life for possibilities to come in. We have to have open space in our lives, for possibilities to find their way in. If we are go-go-go, do-do-do all the time and do not spend the time to be, where is that space?
Where is that space for someone to - let's say we want to have someone move into our home. We want to meet somebody who will become part of our lives, and every single closet is full. Every single space is full. Every inch of our home is laden down with our knickknacks.
Where is the space for them?
This is the powerful moment that happens when we get to a point in relationship sometimes, where a lover is spending enough time over at our house, that we say “I'd like to clear out a drawer for you.” That is a statement of intent that says “I have made space for you, not just in my home, but in my life.” There is a space for you.
There is a space for you. And that's powerful and a beautiful statement. So when I think of this, in the case of wanting to have men in my life, am I leaving space for them? And what would that space look like?
There are some of us who have sexual desires, that following it once in a lifetime, that one deep dark fantasy, or perfect truth that we don't want anyone else to see, that we keep sealed up in a box, that we hold onto and cherish… Fantasizing about that thing, or doing it once and jerking off to it for the rest of our lives, it's good.
It's not just that it's “enough”, which is something that I hear in sexuality populations. It's not just that it's “enough,” but it's perfect in what it is. Let me come to one BDSM event. Let me get tied up once. Let me play with someone of the same gender, or of the opposite gender, once. Let's go here and embrace it this once.
But there's other folks out there that no, really, to follow their authentic path of sexual expression, it has to be all the time. That they will not bend, and they will not move, and they need whatever it is. If there is a part of your life that has led you to a point where no, really, you need this, it doesn't make you greedy. It makes you a person who is listening to their needs, wants, and desires.
And sometimes, I gotta say, even if it is greedy, greed can be good! Hedonistically, following your truth, your bliss, following your path to your own erotic expression, embracing that erotic alchemy, that connection, that truth, that hotness that fuels you, bring on the greed! If greed helps you show up more to be present with your lovers, consider greed as a path. Consider greed as a path, because sometimes it works.
So if you're weighing out for yourself whether you're being authentic in your sexual attraction, your sexual desires, and your sexual behaviors as a whole, consider for yourself whether you're looking at your needs, wants, and desires. When you are laying in bed with someone, or pushed against the washing machine, or rolling around in the sand and trying not to get, you know, sand into orifices, which is just horribly, horribly unpleasant.
If you're in that moment and you're unhappy, maybe that's a touchstone to consider for that information. If you're directly after an encounter and you find yourself unhappy, unsatisfied, or disconnected, this might be another touchstone to connect in with yourself, and to see if you're being authentic.
If it's three months later and you look back on it and go, “you know what, hot in the moment, but maybe not good for me,” this might be another chance to look at your authenticity. This applies to all parts of our life. All of them! Our work, our family, our, you know, our whole world. Right now, I have a note on my computer desk that says, “why are you doing this?”
“Why are you doing this?” And sometimes the answer is that we're following choices that allow us something else in the long term.
I know some folks that have differently, profoundly different sexual fantasies. But for them, instead of saying, “we're a bad couple because our things that we're into aren't a perfect match,” instead of saying that, they've made a decision to say, “you know what, I love you, you love me, how about tonight, we do a really intense takedown scene where you grab my hair, and use me, and fuck me, and fill me, and tell me how much of a little whore I am. And then in a couple days, how about I tie you up in bamboo rope, seduce you, kiss my lips down your body, grab that vanilla dental dam, and run my tongue up and down.”
Doesn't make you incompatible partners, but it is something worth considering. Why are you doing this? And are you unhappy? Or worse yet, are you being taken advantage of, taking advantage of someone else, or being downright abusive to yourself or someone else? Pause and think about it.
Pause and think about it.
I'm not saying there's one right way, but if these things come up, there's a good chance that something isn't right. And I'm not going to say that absolutely everybody's path works, because I don't believe it's true. Abuse? Physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, don't care. Abuse is different than compromising for the success of all parties, including yourself, and including your partner. These are different conversations. They're different conversations. And if you are doing something out of guilt, look at that. Look at that.
In my case, I've decided I'm not being inauthentic. And yet, I am also acutely aware that I need to keep my eyes open, my heart open - eh, and maybe my legs open, we’ll see - to somebody who would fit that role. Who is a cisgendered - most likely, but could be any male - sexual top. Who is a service-oriented human being, who is financially self-sufficient, who enjoys romance, and who loves love. Who is spiritual, and yet can laugh at dumb jokes, talk until 2 a.m., play board games, and yet has their own hobbies that I don't know anything about. Because I like having some things that each of us do on our own.
What's on your wishlist? What are you looking for right now? Because the person we're looking for might not be a perfect match to every single point, though sometimes they are, in unexpected ways. But having some idea of what we're looking for might, for some of us, help us figure out when we’ve found them.
Thank you so much, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, for joining me. This has been Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. You can find me all over the internet by typing in “Lee Harrington” or by looking up PassionAndSoul.com - or PassionAndSoul really anywhere. Facebook, Twitter, FetLife, you can find me. I'm easy to stalk.
And until next time, stay cool, have fun, be authentically yourself, and have a fantastic journey.
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