PS044 - Daddy's Day - Age Play, Leather and Our Stories

Jun 26

Written By

Episode: https://shows.acast.com/660e243b2f834f0017de9181/episodes/660e2440acbcaf00174d9933

With Father’s day having just passed, Lee dives into the world of Daddy roleplaying, leather culture, parenthood archetypes and gender politics. From sexy fun to histories of trauma, creating your own dynamics to embracing archetypes that have come before, let’s see what turns us on and what we struggle with around the notion of Daddies.

Dan:
BDSM and non-standard relationships.

Power exchange and polyamory.

Sacred sexuality and fetishes.

As well as Simply Fun Kink.

You're listening to The Erotic Awakening Podcast Network.

[music intro]
Announcer:
Welcome to The Passion And Soul Podcast, an exploration of personal and interpersonal desire, faith, and connection.

Your host, international sexuality and spirituality author and educator, Lee Harrington of passionandsoul.com, will take you on a sultry and intellectual journey through the soul of intimate experience.

Take a moment and breathe deep, and get ready for an adventure.

This podcast is a chance to glimpse into the ever-increasing diverse world of alternative life.

The Passion And Soul Podcast is intended for mature audiences.

If you are offended by adult topics or prohibited by law, we recommend you stop listening right now.

Lee:
Hello, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit.

And welcome to The Passion And Soul Podcast, Lee Harrington.

Now, I don't know who follows it, but this past Sunday was Father's Day.

And though I have my own complex relationship with the notion of fatherhood, and gender, and my own biological family, I wanted to let this podcast examine the notion of father as tribal leader, as kinky daddy role-playing, as fetish fun, as gender politics, as erotic and personal identity, and look at some other concepts along the way.

After all, the notion of fatherhood is a complex one, and it's time to look at some of the fun that involves, as well as the obligations along the way.

So, for those who are new to the podcast, and that was a whole lot to dive into right away, you might not know that over the years, I've looked at some of these topics in other ways.

And I've done an entire podcast on age play, a lot of stuff on leather identity, some stuff on transgender and gender experience.

So I want to invite you to go over to my website, passionandsoul.com and click on the podcast button.

Go ahead and scroll down to see the information there.

And for the iTunes listeners, you can search for me by Lee Harrington, just type that into your search engine, or Passion And Soul in quotes, and scroll back through the archives.

Because the things that I've talked about over the years, I'm on podcast 44, which is wild to me.

It's sometimes hard for me to remember that I've been doing this stuff for a while, that I've been blogging, gosh, for 15 years now.

I'm not 100 percent sure.

And so I've had people say like, oh, you've inspired a whole bunch of new stuff, and that sits with a whole bunch of fatherhood concepts for me too and questions.

So I just want to mention that ahead of time that there are some other resources that I've done that tie into a lot of this stuff.

So we're going to go ahead and dive in now because I've been sitting with this notion that, a quote came across my Facebook feed recently, that anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad.

That in the world of Father's Day, there's this struggle, this question around the difference between being a sperm donor and being someone who raises up a child.

And this ties into the world of the leather community because there are folks who are there as mentors, as teachers, as support structures that are those fathers to that tribe.

And I see this happen in other communities as well, the notion of elder.

In some forms of paganism, we talk about the notion of maiden, mother, and crown.

That there is the prepubescent or pre-birthgiving woman or girl that takes on a certain archetype, that she is freewheeling, that she is fun, that she is outgoing, or that she is sweet or innocent.

That there is then the mother, she who is carrying child, and that ranges from childhood, child inception or birth, depending on how we look at it, through menopause, which is where we then turn to Crone, where she who is white haired, who is carrying wisdom, she who becomes the archetype classically of the witch, the old woman out in the woods, and that maiden mother Crone make up the waxing moon, the full moon, the waning moon, and the space in between where we enter into death and come back to birth.

But in the notion of manhood, the notion of masculinity or fatherhood, which all get mashed up with one another, because at the end of the day, folks, not all men are masculine and not all women are feminine.

And so within those archetypes of manhood, manhood in some forms of paganism, we have the notion of boy, of father, and of sage.

And it's really interesting to me that in the notion of feminist uprising within various forms of spiritual circles, it's this idea that feminist ideologies are supposed to somehow represent female supremacy.

Now rock on with your bad self if you're working with the folks out in the former Czech Republic where the other world kingdom that have formed a female supremacist sexual exploration experience, where it is femdoms running the country and it is slave-based boys, slave identity men who are choosing to consensually pursue that life path.

Awesome.

But if men are, that if in feminism we are seeking for equality, equality is not supremacy, it is equal, it is balance.

And Oh, who was on this podcast quite a while back now, he posted as well recently about that notion of women in feminism.

It's not men greater, it's not men lesser than women, it is equals.

It is walking the path together, which means that if we are praising Maiden Mother Crone, we need to praise that equal balance of boy, man, sage, with other language thrown in there as well, right?

That idea of adventurer and hunter-gatherer, etc.

And I bring that up because there is this notion sometimes that somehow we as sexual adventurers should be raising up these different notions of masculine power.

This notion of fatherhood, daddyhood, dom-hood, masterliness as being somehow better.

That there is a competition between genders.

Tristan Tormino a couple of years ago made a decision that if there was a daddy hanky, Hunter Green, handkerchief that fits into the back pocket to indicate that one is daddy identified or into daddy-based role play, or that one is seeking a daddy, that there should also be a mommy one.

That this notion of gender as power, that it was somehow acceptable, that in our sexuality populations, it is currently acceptable for, and encouraged even, for Butch Dykes to embrace that daddy archetype, that daddy power, that daddy sexuality.

But that if men embrace mommyhood, there is something wrong with them?

I think there's a double standard we deeply need to examine there, that daddy is hot and mommy is not.

But there is something hot about daddy.

Now, I've done role playing as both mommy and daddy over the years, and I've had identity as mommy and daddy over the years.

As mommy, I had a boy, who was mine, and when I use the terms daddy and boy during this podcast, I'm talking about consenting adults, who are choosing to engage in archetypal relationships or are choosing to engage in role play fantasy.

I'm not talking about anyone underage, so please keep that in mind in the language that I'm using today.

But I had a boy, and he had a girl.

Now, this was a bit of an adventure because he, when we got together, I basically became grandma.

And so our role playing slash experience was that I showed up and spoiled the little girl, and called her all kinds of sweet names, and that I took care of my boy, but I also gave him a hard time for not being a good daddy at times.

Right?

I encouraged him to be a better man.

That was part of our experience and part of our role.

And as a daddy, my dynamic can be a little different.

Not everyone who does daddy role playing does it the same.

For some people, it is the strict daddy.

It is he who sculpts, he who tells you what is wrong.

It is the daddy who takes you over your knee and spanks you, telling you what a bad little girl you've been.

It is daddy who reaches down in the middle of the night and touches you in inappropriate ways.

For some people, daddy is incredibly sexualized.

For some people, daddy is completely non-sexual.

It is caretaker.

It is a safe space.

Sometimes for people who didn't have safe experiences with daddy growing up, they're biological daddies.

For other people, it's fun, it's silly.

For some people, instead of being hyper dominant, daddy is the abused one where it is spoiled little princess who's going to get her way.

I think of one person that I know or one pair that I know that it's things like, daddy, why don't you make enough money so that I can have everything that I want?

You're not a very good daddy.

A good daddy would give me everything.

A good daddy would show me that he loves me by buying me a pony.

That is different than princess.

You know better than that.

I'm going to send you to your room, and we'll talk about this later.

It's a different take on that erotic archetype.

And it's important to know this for people who are pursuing or interested in a daddy archetype, daddy interest, that some daddies are not just mean.

Some are sadists.

It is daddy who beats his little girl.

It is daddy who punishes his little boy with sexual violation, pain, and suffering.

For some people, it is that desire to be daddy who spoils all of his children, who loves them and cares for them and caresses them and delights in them, and not in a sexual way at all or perhaps in a sensual way.

For some, it is daddy who curls up behind their little girl, behind their princess, and combs out their hair because it has tangles in it to show love, to show affection.

And so if you are pursuing or interested in a daddy role playing or daddy relationship based dynamic, what kind of daddy are you?

What kind of daddy do you want?

What kind of kid are you?

What kind of little girl or little boy are you?

Are you sweet?

Do you want to have somewhere where you're safe?

Or do you like the idea of being scared?

Do you want to be a boy or girl that's eventually going to grow up and is looking for somebody to be your mentor and walk you down the way?

Or do you always want to be one and want to have daddy come in and diaper you?

And take care of you because he's a single dad?

Or because mommy is out there making a living and taking care of everyone in those ways?

Because we have a story that somehow mommy should be the one that diapers and cooks and cleans.

And again, let's go back to feminism, folks.

Let's go back to the stories that we're carrying around that not all mommies and daddies are June and Ward Cleaver.

Not all mommies and daddies are, you know, are Homer and Marge Simpson.

It's not always the same thing.

Look at the stories you're carrying around.

Do you have a story that daddy should be breadwinner?

And where did you get that story from?

Because sometimes our sexual fantasies are loaded with our childhood, and sometimes our sexual fantasies are loaded with the things we wish we had.

Sometimes they are based on media.

Sometimes our sexual fantasies are hot because they are conflicted.

As someone who has lived both sides of the gender experience and walked both of those paths as well as many paths in between, there are many times where I go, wow, I'm taking on the dynamic of my own father, or I'm taking on this bullshit, egomaniac story of what a man should be.

And that's conflicting for me, that somehow my girl, because that's a dynamic that I'm in right now, is a daddy girl time, but as I know, my little girl isn't somebody who wants to be a daddy girl out in public and go to the littles gatherings.

She's a single child, and she wants to just be mine, and that's okay.

But I am carrying around this conflict at times, because I treat her as helpless, and I look back to being a little girl, and I know that that wasn't my story, that I was a nerd, that I was powerful, and I was taking care of myself in a lot of ways, and that's not my truth.

But I carry this conflicting story that says girls are weak, that says girls need to be taken care of, that girls need to be coddled, that girls wear glitter, that girls need help, that a daddy will spoil his princess, but will also be the one that says, nope, no, no, you don't know what you're talking about, and we'll do it lovingly, but there is this story embedded in it that is counter to my feminist mind.

Now, the flip side of that, of course, is the fun of it.

Getting to hold her hand and walk through International Ms.

Leather with her dressed up in a little silver princess costume and little clear slippers, being sweet and cute and jumping along and shy at times and bold at others, and I have this moment of pride.

It is little girl being sweet and naughty.

It is her whispering in my ear, Daddy, do you like it when I touch you like that?

It is fantasy.

It is power.

It is getting to hold her when she is sad.

So it is empowering.

It does give me a place in this world, but it's also silly and a good time.

Now, within the gay men's leather community, within the dyke community, within leather tribal culture, whatever your orientation is, daddy sometimes has other meanings.

It is this desirous experience for sexual dynamic in some cases, where it is the older man, sometimes biologically, in fact, oftentimes biologically, that is getting to be sexually pressured by the younger man or by the person who is taking on that boy experience.

Some boys are service-oriented.

Some boys are those who want to learn, to be able to eventually take on the power of that daddy archetype.

For some, they will be boys for the rest of their life.

For some, they've known they've wanted to have a daddy experience of themselves as long as they can remember, as long as that's been with it embedded in their skin, with it being part of their truth.

For some, it's about the hot, horny storytelling of the 16-year-old boy being indoctrinated into manhood by their daddy.

Now, for some people, that is reenacting stories from their own childhood, and it's something to consider for yourself whether that is healthy for you.

But others, it is a chance to indulge in the stories they've percolated inside their head.

What if?

Now, part of that older man, younger man thing is not just within that service realm, but within that teacher realm.

Daddy has been in the leather community for a lot longer time.

He knows what's going on.

He knows what's happening in these tribes.

And so therefore, he's able to make sure that the boy doesn't commit faux pas, doesn't do anything wrong, and is able to save face, is able to step up and say, My boy did wrong.

Mea culpa, because I am the one who is responsible for him.

For some people, it is a long-term dedicated relationship.

And for other people, it's taking on for the night of these dynamics to be a teacher or to be able to have somebody in service.

Every boy dynamic is different.

And when we talk about the notion of anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad, or in this case, a daddy, anyone can put on a set of leathers.

Anyone can put on a cover, a cap, and a pair of chaps, put on a random vest.

Anyone can do that.

But my personal belief is that to be able to fill these roles, it takes somebody with responsibility, somebody with vision, somebody with courage, somebody with the capacity to really step up, whether they have a boy or a girl or not.

Now, one of the awesome things that's been happening in the last 10 years or so is the girl movement in the leather community.

Because we've talked about daddies and boys, that there is the San Francisco Boys of Leather, the New York Boys of Leather, all of these things where boy-identified people come together and offer service to the community.

But there's been this movement in the last decade of fem power, of girl power, where you'll now see at leather events girls, full-grown women again, who are embracing that girl archetype and using it as a way to share raw sexuality, to share power, and to share that service element as well.

And I think that's really cool, the reminder that daddy in leather culture doesn't just have to be between daddy and boy.

It can be between daddy and girl, or it could be between daddy and pup, or daddy and slave.

That daddy self, that caretaking self, that raw sexuality self, that sadist self, that whatever it is to you self, has the ability to interact with anyone that is a good fit for them.

And I think that's pretty powerful, to remember that, that they are stepping up in connection with who they're actually with.

When I see biological fathers who are trying to manipulate their children into being the vision of who they want them to be, when I have friends who have had that shaping experience, when I've had that shaping experience of, why can't you be more like this?

You should be like...

That's someone being a father, but not necessarily being a dad.

Now, that's my bias, that's my story, and that's me coming from my background.

So if it's not yours, take it with a grain of salt.

But it's something to.

Is who are we as daddies, as dads, as papas, as papies?

Who are we shaping our partners to be?

Now, again, this is something to really consider.

Is daddy, for you or for the person you're playing with, is it something hot you put on for the night?

You want to come over here, little one?

Or is it something that's a full-time dynamic?

Is it part of personal identity?

Because I think that's going to shape the decisions that are made.

And there are people I know who fluctuate back and forth between the two, that instead of having a high protocol, low protocol kind of concept within power exchange dynamics that might exist, for example, with people who are in a mistress and servant kind of experience, they might choose to have caretaker most of the time, but have those nights and have cues where they shift from one concept to another.

So, for example, it might be based in language.

It might be papa most of the time.

Papa, can I do this?

Papa, can we do that?

But if we're in role playing, it's daddy, what's going on?

It could be reverse language instead of saying darling.

It could be little girl.

It could be sweetie, right?

We can change up language.

It could be based on costumes, that if that person is in their three-piece suit or perhaps has that dark green hankie tucked in their back pocket, it is different information than how one walks out into the world.

There are people who choose to embrace that 24-7.

There are people who choose it for a day.

So consider that how you shift back and forth when one is embracing daddiness.

So the question is, what does it mean to be not just a good daddy but a good man?

Because I think that's part of this global question here, is that whether we are, whatever side that we're embracing this daddiness or exploring this daddiness, what does it mean to do it with eyes wide open and to be aware of it?

Because yeah, I might be saying in my head, my girl is sweet, my girl needs caretaking, and I'm not seeing, I mean, I might be seeing her full womanhood, but in that moment, I'm not, I'm not in it.

I am taking, I'm stepping up to be what she needs in that moment as we pursue that path.

I think it's important to consider what it means to be a good man.

And there's an amazing project out there called the Good Men Project that I encourage people to go look at.

And I say that because there is this amazing push right now of men who are showing that they can be good men.

With the rise of rapes on college campuses, or at least the reported ones, a rise in reports, with this rise and with all these stories of men behaving badly, men just behaving badly in the world at large, in spirituality populations, in sexuality populations, men behaving badly, I am so happy that there are projects, like the Good Men Project, that are stepping up to say, no, men can be of integrity no matter what their style is, no matter whether they are flaming poofs or duck dynasty guys, no matter where you are on the spectrum, you can be a good man.

Now, I struggled with this as a transgender man for a while, because I've seen a lot of trans men who aren't behaving as good men, aren't behaving as good people in some ways, and I'm not saying that they're bad people, but the behavior is bad, and I'm sorry if that language was confusing, but their behavior is not so good, that they're looking for archetypes of manhood, and the ones they choose are things like the alcoholic misogynist.

And so I really encourage people to look at which archetypes you are embracing on this journey out of Father's Day.

Now, you don't have to be a biological father to step into these roles of caretaking, these roles of tribal leader, these roles of love, because I think in some ways this notion of Mother's Day and Father's Day is to basically encourage children to say, hey, we've been taking care of you.

Could you say thank you?

And so part of that is that the work had to be done ahead of time for us to have a reason to say thank you.

The notion of obligation to those who have not done breaks my heart a little bit, or at least smooshes it, that one should send a gift or one should make that pancakes in bed for the person who hasn't been there.

Now mind you, different fathers contribute in different ways.

There are those who contribute financially.

There are those who contribute by being at home and changing the diaper.

There are those who mow the back lawn, and there are those who cook in the evening.

There are those who sing sweet lullabies, and having recently re-sing Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

There are those who appear on stage in fabulous quantities of glitter while singing Abba and drive around a purple bus.

There are so many shapes of how one contributes in the notion of fatherhood or caretaker.

There are so many shapes and sizes, and I don't think it takes biological fatherhood to step up in those ways.

Now, it might be considered a stretch, but I do think these things are buried in each of us, these concepts of parenthood.

And I would ask yourself, as I ask myself, what are you parenting?

What are you raising up?

Because it could be your own biological children, it could be your own adopted children, it could be your stepchildren, it could be a community, it could be an event, it could be a project, it could be an artwork, a meaning, a movement, it could be something energetic.

What are you raising up?

And sometimes it's raising alone, and other times it is turning towards a tribe and saying, raise with me.

Sometimes from a place of joy, please raise with me, this is a beautiful thing.

This is a beautiful child.

For others, it is a, I am walking alone in this because I choose to do it.

For others, right now, it is, I am walking alone in this because I feel I don't have anywhere to turn.

And to those of you who feel that way, I send my love.

To those of you who are struggling right now with I don't know why my tribe isn't here anymore, I send my love.

To those of you who are hopeful and dreaming, longing for parenthood, whatever shape it takes, my love goes to you.

And to those of you who are dancing with each other right now, thriving and not just surviving, my love goes to you, and we create this circle.

We create this together.

Let us raise up each other.

Let us be fathers to something bigger and beautiful.

Let us make a world where we can be not just fathers, but dads, not just mothers, but moms, not just contributors, but parents.

And if those words do not gel with you, find the ones that ring true.

Let us not just be lovers, but let us be friends.

Let us not just be those who walk through the world, but those who change it for the better.

Let us look at our choices and raise them up.

And along the way, let's have it be hot.

Let's have it be sexy.

And if what turns you on is to reach over and touch them as they look up at you with big eyes, or if you are the Lolita, the seductress who turns to her daddy and says, show me how to be a woman.

And for those of you who are distracted, who are distraught, who are suffering with such concepts, who in hearing the ideas that people would engage in these things, flash back, my love goes to you, because we are not trying to hurt you.

We are not trying to harm you.

Your story is your own, and it is valid, and we are not trying to cause suffering.

We are walking our path, and you are loved in your journey.

You are not alone, because there are others who suffer through that concept as well.

There are others whose stories at the beginning did not carry that same story, where it can be played with now.

And there are those of you who walked that story and said, oh, whatever, I'm going to play with it now.

That there is a book out there called, Somebody's Been Sleeping In My Head, and I've got issues with this guy.

I saw his presentation at the American Association for Sexuality Educators and Counselors Conference a couple of years ago, and he's got this whole notion that our sexual fantasies, he's a Freudian psychoanalyst, and he's got this belief that our sexual fantasies are a cancer that is left over from trauma in our lives, that if we are having any sexual fantasies in our dreams, that therefore it is tied into some sort of past pain.

But what I had in that moment, when I was watching his speech and becoming angry, I'll own it, when I had that moment, it struck me that I do have a number of sexual fantasies that are based on trauma.

But I get to choose what I do with them, because I am ready to choose what I do with them.

I had a period of time where I literally didn't have access to easy food, and I ate food off the ground.

And I know I had trauma related to that emotionally, and yet I sexually fantasize and have had hot scenes eating food off the ground.

Because instead of letting it destroy me, I have chosen to sexualize it.

Now, I didn't realize that when I first found that sexual fantasy.

I didn't realize that there was a trauma attached to it.

I realized while listening to this dude.

But at the same time, once I realized that it was a trauma, I made a choice to keep playing with it.

Instead of going, Oh my God, I can't believe I suffered this trauma.

I acknowledged my trauma.

I said, Hey, trauma, good to meet you.

What a pleasure.

You're kind of a pain in the ass.

But hey, we're walking together.

You are part of my history.

Now what?

This is not the path for everyone, and I have my own traumas that this is not the path for me, and I know that.

I have my own stories, my own pains, and things that I cannot dance with and should not dance with, and it is inappropriate for me and my journey.

But I also know that people who are carrying out those stories are not trying to harm me.

Are there days that I trip over that?

Absolutely.

There are days where I see people carrying out their own stories and their own journeys and saying their own words, and I freeze up inside.

I slip back into my own pain.

It hurts.

And sometimes the hurt carries out in unhealthy ways, and I know that.

But at the same time, I try to own it, and I acknowledge that their story is not mine.

My hope moving forward is that we love, is that we play, is that we embrace the archetypes that work for us and let the other ones not debilitate us.

I dream a day where all fathers are good fathers and that Father's Day is something that we proclaim from the top of the hills and that when we bring those waffles to someone, that when we write out those cards, that when we turn to our kinky daddies and say, daddy, I love you and here's a card for you, that we are all doing it from an honest heart.

So go out and have fun.

I encourage you to visit the various links and options for exploration in the show notes.

Or you could just visit my website, passionandsoul.com, and click on the podcast button.

You can also subscribe via the RSS feed, iTunes, or download the MP3s by visiting the show notes as well.

My hope is that we all dance forward, whatever path we take.

This has been The Passion And Soul Podcast, and until next time, stay cool, have fun, be authentically you, and embrace your dreams.
[music outro]