PS022 - Playing Well With Others - A Kink Event Primer Podcast

Aug 20

Written By

Ever wanted to get involved in the kink community but don’t know where to start? Shy and overwhelmed? Curious about the types of events and get togethers out there in the land of pervyness? Then tune into this podcast where we navigate munches, head to conferences, explore fetish nights, have fun at play parties, and find out how to find events too! Every event is different, and you deserve to find one that fits you. So pull out your social graces, dust off those leather boots (or heels, or sandals), and let’s dive into this foray into kink events and culture, celebrating the upcoming release of “Playing Well With Others” by Lee Harrington and Mollena

Episode: https://shows.acast.com/660e243b2f834f0017de9181/episodes/660e2440acbcaf00174d9949

[music intro]
Announcer:
Welcome to Erotic Awakening, an exploration of all things erotic. Every Thursday, your hosts Dan and dawn share with you their experience and insights on kink, power exchange, and erotic life, as well as bring you interviews with exciting people from various lifestyles. Then every Monday, you'll hear from our various guest hosts. These nationally-known educators bring a variety of experience to the mics and share with you an ever-increasing diverse world of alternative life.
Erotic Awakening is intended for mature audiences. If you are offended by adult topics or prohibited by law, we recommend you stop listening right now.
Lee:
Hello, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, and welcome to Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington.
I have to say, it's time for you to get out of your house.
What?
You know, yes, yes, yes, I know where I talk all the time about the fact that a lot of human beings spend way too much time in front of the television, or sitting on their computer, or any of that stuff, but that's not what I'm talking about.
This week on Erotic Awakening, I want to talk about getting out of our house to go be kinky. There's all kinds of different events out there. And talking with folks online, it seems like there's a lot of fear, a lot of trepidation about getting out of our bedrooms and our private play spaces, and getting out into the larger kinky community. So I wanted to reach out and talk with folks about the fact that it's not as scary as it seems, and there's a lot more variety out there than you'd think.
So, you've decided that you're kinky, or at least that there are some kink opportunities that sound like they'd be fun for you. Whether it's spanking, or dressing up in fabulous wardrobes, or getting a chance to crawl across the floor to some hot mistress waiting on the other side.
Something tantalizes you. Something excites you. Something titillates your very being and you're like, “Yeah, that's it, I want to go get out there and meet other kinky people and try this stuff out.”
Or, you're already in partnership with someone or someones, and you want to go out and meet other peer, or go out and have a fun time, and be inspired. And the first thing you have to do is get your priorities straight.
Understand why you want to go out to the bigger kink community, because there are so many different reasons. Do you want to go learn a new skill set? Do you want to reach out and make a really good friend? Do you want to pick up a date? Do you want a hot one-night tryst?
What are you looking for? Do you want a chance to go shopping? Do you want a chance to go out and get inspired, to be turned on, to be a voyeur, and take it all in, and then go home and fuck like bunnies?
Do you want to go and become part of a broader community and give back through volunteerism? What are you looking for?
Now… now that you've thought about that a little bit, what are you looking for? Keep that thought in your mind. Right there, that one. And that one, too, that one that was trying to escape, that thought there, too. Even if it's not the politically appropriate one, even if it's not the answer you want to tell yourself, dig into it.
And if the answer is, because it's hot, then it's because it's hot. If the answer is, because I don't think I'm good enough, then own that that's what you're thinking about. Whatever it is, be honest with yourself.
What are you looking for? Because that's going to help you choose the kink event that's going to be right for you. Not right for anyone else, right for you.
Step two: you're going to find an event. Now, there's a lot of different types of events out there, and I'm going to go through a whole list in a little bit, but I want you to think ahead of time about how you find events in the world at large.
Number one, that I have to put - hands down - as “best way to find kink events” out there is word of mouth. If you've heard from someone that the event was a really good time, that they've been to it, that they know it really, really well, that they'd really recommend it for you, word of mouth is a fantastic tool, especially in the kink community. Because one of the ways that we get to know about events out there in the world is through advertising.
And if we just type in “BDSM event” into the internet - actually let's go ahead and do that right now, as I'm live with you. “BDSM event.” What do I get?
I get “meet women into BDSM on bdsmdate.com.” I have “50% off BDSM clearance at extremerestraints.com.” “Are you into BDSM with BDSM singles?”
But the first one that's an actual one, and not an advertisement, is bdsm-events.com. And underneath it is thebdsmeventspage.com. Both of those are actually fantastic tools for finding out about a sheer butt-ton of events that are out there. And I say that because seriously, hopping onto thebdsmeventspage.com right now, and clicking on what events are coming up, I get a huge array. And I mean staggering. And these are just the national events.
I see on here, for January 2013, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight events, that are all either with dates, or dates to be announced. And that's for January. We're not talking about coming up in the next couple of months.
So typing stuff into the internet isn't the worst idea ever. But notice how I mentioned those two pages, not the first ones that come up. And that doesn't give you stuff in your local area, right?
There's an amazing tool out there called fetlife.com. Now be forewarned, there's a whole bunch of stuff happening right now about fetlife.com, and “how secure is it anyway,” and that's really a question of how secure is the Internet anyway. Because if you think, when you're posting something on a protected page on Facebook, that your boss, if they search hard enough, can't find it, you're living in a reality that isn't quite congruent with what's happening in the world at large, gotta say.
And the fact is on fetlife.com, there's a reason a lot of us use screen names or scene names, and it's because these sites are shareable. If people just enter in a password, create their own account, people can find information. So if you put your legal name out there, there's a possibility of it being tracked down.
Or if you live in a really small town, right? If you live in a tiny, tiny town in rural New Jersey, people might be able to type in, “perverts in Roselle, New Jersey,” and they might find the eight of you. There's a possibility that you might be recognized if you have not only a cock shot up there, but also a face shot. These things happen. That's why a lot of people list themselves as the nearest large area.
So for example, instead of saying Roselle, somebody might say Edison, New Jersey, or Newark, New Jersey, or might even dare to say New York City, right? So if that's the case, and you go onto this thing called fetlife.com, you can go and type in New York City and there's a button called Events, and it's going to list all of these different events coming up in your local area.
There's also places on facebook.com where you could be able to look up events by topic. But again, think about where you're looking for that information. And if you're RSVPing, whether it's right for you to do so from your Facebook account, where your boss might be able to see it, or where your in-laws might be able to see it. Because though I posted recently that I'm teaching at Fascinations in October in Phoenix, Arizona on Facebook, it doesn't make it appropriate for somebody to RSVP to that Facebook information page if their page is being monitored by their career.
Unless, of course, your career is working for kink.com, in which case rock on. Please RSVP, please. I look forward to seeing people there.
So, you found an event. Now what kind of event is it?
The first kind of event you're going to see listed is what's called a “munch.” Now sometimes these are called brunches, or meetups, or liquid munches, or birds of a feather, or get togethers, or salons. There's a lot of different terms, but the most common term is a munch. A munch is a gathering of people getting together to talk and know each other better.
That's all it is, 99% of the time. That 1% does exist where people dress up in fetishwear, and there's play happening at the same time, and all that stuff. But 99% of the time, a munch is a group of people getting together, oftentimes in a very public location - sometimes with a private room - but getting together in a public location to get to know each other better.
This might happen at your local diner, it might happen at a bar, it might happen at a public person's house, it might happen in some other location. But the address is listed so that you can be able to rock up and say, “Hi, my name is Bob, and I would like to get to know other people [whispers] who are into kink.” And you whisper “kink” because if you don't know it's the right table - in fact you might want to go up to the table ahead of time and say, “Hi, I'm here for the munch. Are you here for the munch?” before you rock up and say, “Hey, my name is Bob, and I like being fucked up the ass. What's your name?”
And it turns out that you just walked up to the table of Librarian Association of America's gatherings. Now, I'm not going to say that librarians aren't kinky, because they are. Trust me, I've played with a couple of librarians, actually, in fact, I've dated a librarian. Anyway, that's what it is.
So go up, and don't dress up too too much. I recommend jeans and a t-shirt, slacks and a button-down shirt, maybe a playful shirt that says, like the word “wink” across it, is maybe a little edgy in some locations. A nice dress. Suit might be pushing it a little bit. Like, shorts and a tank top might be a little bit too casual, but somewhere in the middle there. Dress up in that kind of range and rock up and say, hey - I'm saying rock up a lot tonight anyway, that is what it is - show up and say “hi, my name is Lillian and I'm looking for the munch. Is this it?”
When people say, “yeah, it is, come and have a seat,” know that you're going to run into a lot of different types of people. Some folks are going to be “just like you.” Same demographics, same politics, same social circles. Other people are going to be very different from you. You're going to meet a whole cadre of human beings, and the only thing that they're going to have in common is that they have an alternative sexual interest of some sort.
Some people there might be interested in super BBWs. Some people there might be interested in age roleplaying fantasies. Some people there might be into leather fetishism. Everybody's going to be there for a slightly different reason - unless the munch has a theme.
You'll see some munches, for example, that are ageplay munches, where people who are into age fantasy roleplaying get together and talk, and play, and connect, and giggle, and show up with their Hello Kitty lunch boxes and have a really great time.
Sometimes you'll find a themed munch that is based on age. For example, TNG means people who are between the ages of 18 and 30, or in some places 18 to 35. Some places it's KOBRAS, Kinky Old Bastards (and Broads) Really Are Sexy, which is for people over the age of 55. Sometimes the themes you might gather together are people who are interested in a specific subsect of the community, a POC munch, a Persons of Color munch, for example.
Now, when you show up to the munch, be yourself. You don't have to put on a big show. You don't have to pretend like you've been into whatever it is for the last 40 years. Nor do you have to hide that just because it's your first public outing, doesn't mean that you haven't been exploring on the Internet or in your bedrooms for the last 5, 10, 15 years. It's okay. Be you.
Occasionally you'll run into people who are a little over-enthusiastic. “Oh, wow, you're new. Tell me all about what you're into.” It happens.
You're also going to run into some people who are a little on the standoffish side. “Oh, you've only explored on the Internet. Uh-huh.” It happens.
But most of the time you're going to find people who are just curious about your interests, and want to share their interests with you, and want to share because we're all human beings and want to create connections with one another.
The second kind of event that I tend to run into is what I call a bar night, or a dance party, where it's happening down at a local goth/industrial club and it's usually called a fetish night.
Now a fetish night is - most of the time - something that's happening at that bar, where you dress up in a fun outfit, and you get to go and dance, and flirt with people who are also into shiny clothing, and you wear your black outfit, and you maybe show up with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs or a whip hanging off of your hip, or you go and wear something really fantastically beautiful - and you flirt. You have a drink and you flirt.
Or maybe if it's a really lascivious party that's a fetish night, there might be a St. Andrew's cross or a little play area in the corner, where people who are known players can show up and do a little bit of kinky play that is totally rated R, not rated X. So this would be people still in a bra and a pair of underwear, doing whatever it is that they're into - because it's at a bar, not at a sex club.
And so people who show up to a fetish night thinking, oh, I'm going to have hot filthy sex in the corner, might want to double-check their assumptions because… that's illegal.
Now, are there going to be a couple of clubs where those sort of things happen in the corners? Yeah. Yeah, there absolutely are. But most commonly, it's going to be people showing up, flirting, cruising, maybe making out, maybe tying up their lover in a corner, and there might be a show on that night, where you see something a little edgier on a stage. There might be a guest DJ. But that's about it, most of the time.
Now, let's say you want to go to a dance party or a fetish night, that you love the idea in dressing up in a PVC dress and a pair of stiletto heels, putting on a black leather mask and a pair of elbow-high gloves, and going and strutting yourself. Strutting your stuff all over the dance floor, that that sounds hot to you.
Cool. What do you need? You need some money hidden away so if you get a little bit too inebriated, you can catch a cab ride home. Number one. Number two, you need your ID. Number three, you need to know what your personal limits are. One drink is cool? Fantastic. No drinks is better for you? Then own that for yourself ahead of time. Don't become the sloshy drunk. It's not sexy and you're not going to be able to flirt very well. And if people do want to play with you, nobody wants to play with somebody who's stupid drunk. It's just not good. I don't recommend it.
The next thing that you really want to do, when it comes to going to a dance club night, is show up and have fun. If you're a wallflower, then have prepared in your pocket a few little flirtatious lines in case people come up to you. You're not into dancing, say, “You know what? I'm not much into dance clubs, but I love your shiny outfit. It's really sexy.”
Or, “You know what? I really am not - I'm a little on the shy side, but thanks for coming up to me because I'm trying to get to know people. Do you know anyone here?” Have a couple of lines like that pre-prepared. All right?
And also for dance club and fetish nights, be willing to go and people-watch, because you're going to see all kinds of stuff, and if it's your first time out, just taking in the sights is totally worth it.
Third thing that I see out there is fetish balls. Now a fetish ball is a high production event. Now there are some fetish balls out there that are basically fetish nights. But a lot of fetish balls are times where people show up in their full finery, there's live music, there's big shows happening on the stage, it's usually a higher ticket item, they happen very rarely, and it's a chance to really rock up and let your voyeur play. And let your exhibitionist within you play.
Now, those are all public events. There's a different kind of event out there though, which is a party. Some of these are called house parties, private parties - these are things that happen at people's houses.
Don't get upset if you don't get invited to these right away. I say that because private parties happen at people's homes, and that means that they're inviting you into their home. Not everybody is going to want to do that right away. Some people want to meet you at a couple of munches first. Some parties are just for people who are more experienced players, some parties are just for people of a certain persuasion. Maybe it's a party that is just for people who are polyamorous. And if they don't know that you're polyamorous yet, maybe it's not going to be a good fit.
Or maybe it's a swinger-to-BDSM crossover party, and they overheard you at the munch saying, “you know what, I'm sexually monogamous with my partner, but I'm really interested in playing with BDSM with other people.” They might not invite you to the party because it's a swinger party, with BDSM elements.
Now, if you do get invited to a house party, a few tricks and tips. Number one, find out what the party needs. Does the party need an extra piece of play equipment? A whole bunch of condoms? Does the party need food? Then be the one who's willing to donate the spanking bench out of your home dungeon and show up a little bit earlier. Be the one who's willing to hop online and order 200 assorted condoms and bring them with you. And if it's food, don't just show up with a bag of chips and a thing of soda. Be the person who shows up with the spread of proteins, or cheeses, or vegetables. Be the person who shows up with something a little bit creative.
Offer to the party hosts that you can stay late and clean up afterwards. Ask ahead of time about what time do people actually show up, because the party might say it starts at 9, but if the people don't show up till 10 or 11, ask whether you should show up at 9 so you could get to know people, or whether it's better to show up at 10.
Some parties have an introduction at the very beginning, in which case if they say 9, they really want you there by 9 or 9:30, because they want everybody to go around and share names at the beginning, or in some more spiritually themed parties, all hold hands and set an intent for the evening.
Some private parties are floor parties. Now, a floor party usually takes place at a hotel, and it's where an entire floor of a hotel is rented out and converted for the night, or for the weekend, into some sort of sexually adventurous location. Floor parties often happen in places, in regions of the United States and in other countries, where BDSM isn't really appropriate to be known about, right? Where it happens in the Bible Belt, for example, or in places where having public play parties isn't allowed.
Oftentimes for these, you need to RSVP in advance, get your name on a list, and show up in completely casual clothes or in business casual, maybe even business wear, and be willing to show up at the door and say, “Hi, my name is Bob Smith.” And they say, “Ah, Bob Smith, welcome, enter.” And you get changed there. Your toy bags need to be completely invisible, you need to be very, very low key.
This often applies for private parties as well. Don't walk down the street in your 7-inch stiletto heels and giant inflatable zebra costume in the middle of Poughkeepsie, New York. It's just considered rude. People don't want the cops called on them - if it's a cop issue - and if it's not, it's just socially awkward the next morning when they're mowing the lawn. “Hey, hey, Jill, I saw the inflatable zebra last night. What was that all about?” Keep it low key, unless you know otherwise.
Now, I mentioned public play parties. There are some, out there in some parts of the country, public dungeons and SM clubs. Some public dungeons, for example, Paddles in New York City, allow you to show up that night, pay your money, show your ID and you can come in. Anybody who's over 18, between 18 and 118, welcome to show up, go downstairs and have a great time. Those do exist.
There are other public dungeons, though, that expect you to go through a hoop or two. For example, you need to get a membership first. The Sex Positive Community Center of Seattle, for example - which I'm probably butchering the name, all included in the notes - they require that you go to an orientation first. The reason that they do that is not just for legal reasons. Though there is the legal reasons, as well, that if it's a membership club, they're allowed to do other things than clubs that are open to anyone off the street.
So there's the membership club side, but it's also that they want people to be oriented to the space. They want you to know and not be surprised that, by the way, in this room, medical play is going to be happening and you might see blood. By the way, in this room, it's a swingers’ space and you're going to be seeing a lot of sex. By the way, in this area, it's a shower for people to shower in. Please don't have sex in there, it's for people to shower in. And this area, it's the food area, please don't have sex here. That's rude. People are just trying to get a hard-boiled egg and some Twizzlers. Can we just let them get some food? Thanks.
Orientations are also a really great place to ask your questions. Like, “Hi, I'm looking for a partner. Is tonight's party going to be an appropriate fit for me?” What a great question for an orientation. And the person doing the orientation is going to know, or be more likely to know that answer, than me.
Some parties, for example, are singles nights. Other parties might be a lot more attendees that are coupled. Or they might be coupled, but they play with other people.
Some clubs have what's called an ambassador's table, or an orientation table, or a newbies table, or might have a person who has a little name tag on. Or they might be the hosts, who might be able to answer those questions too.
This is really good to know because instead of going up to somebody who's having an intimate conversation saying, “Hi, my name is Julian and I think you're totally hot, do you want to play?” And they're in the middle of a private conversation? You might be able to go up to someone else who has that little name tag on and say, “Hey, I think that person over there is totally hot. What's the modality around here for asking, you know, that I think they're hot?” Or you wait until that person has separated from their conversation and say, “Hi, my name is Julian, and I hope this isn't too forward, but I think you're kind of sexy, so I wanted to come up and say hi in person. Is that too forward?”
Be social, be civil. Those rules of etiquette that you learned out there in the world at large, they apply here. Right? So that's public dungeons and SM clubs.
Some places and some gatherings, though, are what's called a special interest group.
I mentioned the ageplay munch, but there's also things like rope bondage classes, or rope bondage gatherings. In the rope bondage gathering, it's a chance for people to get together and practice rope bondage. They're not scenes, per se, or scenarios or places where people can get together. It's more a place where you just practice. You try out that rope bondage technique, and you get clues and hints and tips and tricks.
Throwing Whips in the Park is something that happens in Phoenix, Arizona, for example, where they get together in completely vanilla clothes, and they practice throwing their bullwhips. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just people trying out an art form and practicing it out. But that's a type of special interest group.
In some places, those get-to-know skill set things, or get-to-know-your-skill set better, are called exploratoriums, samplers, or tastings. Now, an exploratorium is where people get together and try out something new. You've always been interested in rope bondage? Well, you get to come up and say, “Hi, I'm interested in rope bondage. Could you try tying me up? I just want to feel what it feels like.” There's lots of little stations with people offering their skills.
Now, don't take their skills for granted. Don't say, “Hey, do me next.” It's considered rude. I mean, you can, but you'll be considered a douchecanoe, just saying. So, you say instead, “Hi, I'm really fascinated by this or I'm a little scared of this. Can you tell me why you're into it? I'm curious because I don't really understand.” Don't say, “I don't get it, this is totally weird.” Just explain that you don't understand and you're fascinated. Or say, “You know what? I've always been really curious about ballgags.” Or, “I've always really wondered what it would be like to have a little bit of electricity play. Can you show me that?”
In some cases, at an exploratorium, what they're showing you is a little on the expensive side. For example, disposable urethral sounds, or other medical play, where it's one-off things. Offer to pay for the supplies. They might not say yes. In fact, they might say, “No, I'm good, but thank you so much.” But it shows that you're considerate.
And don't show up to an exploratorium - or, in fact, really any kink spaces - with really heavy perfumes on because you don't know what allergies people might have. But beyond that, in an exploratorium, you don't want to get your really intense perfume or cologne on somebody's rope or somebody's body bag. Yeah, you can get into a body bag. Kind of hot, huh?
Another kind of kink gathering that you might hear about is a class. Now, a class is exactly that, a class. Think of it as sex ed for perverts, right? Where you can show up to the class and learn about how to do an open relationship in a healthier manner. Pretty cool idea, huh? Or you can enjoy going to a place where you can learn a hands-on skill of getting to spank your lover. Or, maybe it's about coming to understand why people are fascinated by dominance and submission.
Some classes take place at sex shops. Some classes take place in people's homes. Every one's a little bit different. Some classes are free to the public, some classes are free to members of a local club. Some classes cost $5 and some classes cost $300. Every one's a little bit different. Some include all of your supplies, some expect you to show up with a specific set of supplies that you'll be informed of in advance.
Some are full weekend intensives. For example, I do an intensive on dominance and submission, and understanding your own personal calling towards those topics. It's a three-day gathering that's Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and it's an immersive experience with you and 15 other people. That's it. It's why it costs more money, but you get a really intense experience, and I call that Delving into Power. I'm teaching Delving into Power in Toronto, Ontario, in October, and Anchorage, Alaska in December. I do it other places as well, but those are the ones that I'm doing this year.
So you can see the classes come in lots of different shapes and sizes.
Another kind of event out there is a conference. Now, a kink conference is a potentially life-changing event. And I say that because when I first went to a kink conference, my mind was blown. Mine was Living in Leather 2000.
Now, I'd been doing kink events of different sorts - play parties, gatherings, munches, private parties, public parties, fetish balls - I'd been doing it all, right? For about four years, maybe five years at this point, about five.
And I was told that Living in Leather was going to be a gathering where people were going to be doing all of those things all in the same weekend. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool, fifty people getting together, like one of those one-night party things. Fifty people at a conference, it's classes during the daytime, and parties at night, that'll be fun. I'll show up in my favorite fetish wear for the evening parties, good times.
No, this was not fifty people, this was like four hundred and fifty people. And my brain was like, “oh my god, this is huge.”
There were spectacles at night, of people showing up and - not just in full fetish regalia, but doing it while suspended from the ceiling, while there was a scene with a woman in a wheelchair attached by reins to a woman with piercings in her breasts. And they had balloons going up into the air with - attached to the piercings. And they were flying the Canadian flag and walking around the dungeon singing, “O Canada,” not kidding.
Yeah, my little brain went [pop!]. And I remember going, “oh…got it.” I was intimidated, because I thought I had to play at that level. Mind you, that weekend, I did have, you know, a vaginal fisting scene with menstrual blood flying everywhere, okay, fine, I was playing pretty crazy too. But the fact that I could go to five classes each day and learn from top notch presenters was amazing.
Some conferences are local. There will be 50 people, local instructors, and the great thing about small conferences is you get to know everybody. It gets to be a really bonding experience.
Other conferences, Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire, 1200, 1500 people, right? And then there's events that are kind of conferences but kind of not, where it's stuff like International Mr. Leather in Chicago, right? Same weekend as ShibariCon, International Mr. Leather, which is something like 30,000 people. Shopping, and going to classes, and going to conferences, and partying, and playing, and…wow. Just crazy. Like I said, your brain might go [pop!], and it's okay.
So how do you do it if it's going to be your first event, and you're going to go to a kink conference? First one, first thing, be gentle with yourself. Know that you're not going to be able to get it all in. It's okay, right? You're not going to be able to do it all at one time. So in being gentle to yourself, be okay with taking a night off if you're not enjoying a party. Be willing to skip a class to go get yourself food. Be gentle with yourself. It might seem like you have to do everything all weekend long, but you don't have to. Okay? You really don't.
Second thing, get enough sleep. Minimum five hours, I personally recommend. Next thing, get food! Eat! You cannot get your full perv on if you are hungry. And take a shower. For serious, be hygienic. Those all might sound like really simple things. And at the end of the day, they are really simple things. But I bring them up because sometimes in our excitement we forget. We just forget. And that's okay.
So, you are at the conference. Other things you need to do. Bring some sexy outfits, but also bring casual outfits with good shoes. Right? Bring some flat shoes, some comfortable shoes. Those 6-inch stiletto heels are going to kill your back on the concrete floor, after all the walking around in the shopping area. Okay?
So, kink conferences. Kink conferences are going to have a little bit of everything. But remember I just mentioned shopping? Shopping, shopping, shopping. There are shopping-only events in the kink community.
The Fetish Fair Fleamarket is a great example of a shopping event that is just monstrous. The Fetish Flea happens to also have classes. But - and a fetish ball, and all that kind of stuff, but mostly it's a shopping event. You show up and you shop till you drop.
Shopping events are great because you get to support vendors in the kink community. You get to try outfits on instead of blindly grabbing them off the internet. You get to meet other people, you get to learn a little bit of ideas, and that's really, really fun, I find. Right?
So what other kinds of events out there?
There's pride parades, where you dress up and take it all in.
You're going to find events that are called title events where people are competing to be the top notch of everything.
You're going to run into places where it's about learning to be a better leaner - excuse me, a better leader, I should say, or a better academic in sexual topics.
Some places are out there where you could go on a cruise, or go to a kinky spa or a bed and breakfast.
Now, all these different types of events are out there. But remember number one, why do you want to do it? And if your why is because you want to get your kink on in a place where you can scream your head off with your lover, probably be good to go to a place that is a public play party, where you can scream your head off. Good idea, huh?
And if you want to go because you want to learn how to be better at, say, tying a potential play partner up who you haven't met yet and maybe there's a chance of meeting people who are into rope bondage, that local rope bondage class looks really good, huh?
And if what you're interested in is to learn more about how to do this stuff from a place that you want to form your own munch, maybe going to that leadership gathering is going to be just right for you.
Don't be intimidated. Every single one of us was a new person once too. And just because you're new to the kink community doesn't mean you're new to life. You come in with every single piece of knowledge that you already have from your life before this stuff.
You know how to run a party already because you've been running club nights at your local country-western bar? Cool! Maybe you can contribute that skill set to running a kinky country night. That would be fantastic and hot. Talk about lassoes, right? Ha, love it.
You already come in with a background in nursing or being an EMT? You can volunteer your time as a backup health provider at that conference, and suddenly you have a way to network with new people.
You’re great at website design? Volunteer your time.
But not just that, you come in knowing your social graces. And if you don't, pick up a copy of Miss Manners. Learn about basic social etiquette, because that stuff works everywhere.
Go to your local charities and fundraiser events in the kink community. Go to places where you can dress up and have a fun time. Try a little bit of everything. And beyond that, try things you might not think you're into. If you think, “No, I really want to just go to play parties,” consider going to a munch. You might really have fun networking with people and getting to know other human beings.
You think, “I only want to go to classes and learn things.” Well, maybe consider going to a play party and just watching. You might pick up a few tips and tricks, but just by really taking in and enjoying the spectacles around you, because not everything is taught in classes.
You think, “You know what, I'm just interested in shopping.” Well, maybe consider shopping, as well as going and supporting that local street fair by going and being a spectator and cheering them on.
Try a little bit of everything, because you never know what might surprise you. And with that said, I hope you have fun. Try it out, explore, and know what, it might not be for you. Or that part of the kink community might not be for you, or that specific gathering might not be for you.
Maybe you didn't love the kinky camping event where you went to and you ended up getting bit by a mosquito in a private part that you don't like to mention. Cool, that doesn't mean that you're not into going to kink events, maybe it just means that you like going to hotel ones.
That one munch, there was a couple of overbearing people that really didn't fit in, or you want to go to a munch where there's more queer people than you happen to see at that gathering, or more people who are really into latex. Then look around, hop on the internet, and go to FetLife, or go to some other gathering site, and type in “latex munch California.” Something might come up.
Or join a group on FetLife, and say “Hi, I'm a latex lover, I live in California, and I want to meet other latex lovers in California. Does anybody have any resources?” And you might find the perfect resource for you.
Go out, have fun, and if you don't have fun, consider an opportunity to learn something new about yourself. The kink community is a broad and diverse place, and you, being a unique person, deserve to find the part of the community that fits right with you.
If you want to learn more about exploring the BDSM and kink communities, Mollena Williams and myself have a brand new book coming out in September called Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather, and BDSM Communities.
What I have discussed tonight is just the tip of the iceberg. There's all kinds of resources out there for you, from negotiating, to learning how to setting your limits, to exploring the different personalities in the kink community, to getting to know yourself better before you get out there, and beyond that - knowing that even perverts get the blues, that not every event goes perfectly, and some resources for that ahead of time.
So, feel free to go in the notes for this podcast and learn all about that, or hop on any of your favorite retailers and look for Playing Well With Others coming out in September.
This has been Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. Thank you all so much for joining me. It's been a delight. And whether you've picked up something new for yourself or otherwise, pass it on, have fun, and until next time, stay cool, have fun, explore, be authentically yourself, and have a fantastic journey.
[music outro]

Passion And Soul Podcast:

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-passion-and-soul-podcast-by-lee-harrington/id840372122

RSS Feed: https://feeds.acast.com/public/shows/660e243b2f834f0017de9181

Erotic Awakening Network: http://www.eroticawakening.com/podcast/

Check out my newest book, due out in September!

Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0937609587/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=pass-20

Links Mentioned:

FetLife – www.Fetlife.com

BDSM Events Page – www.thebdsmeventspage.com

BDSM Events – www.bdsm-events.com

Events/Spaces Mentioned:International Mr. Leather – www.imrl.com

Shibaricon – www.shibaricon.com

Dark Odyssey.com – www.DarkOdyssey.com

Fetish Fair Fleamarket - http://nelaonline.org/cmsms/index.php?page=fff

Paddles NYC - www.paddlesnyc.com

Seattle Center for Sex Positive Culture - www.sexpositiveculture.org

Delving Into Power Toronto : https://fetlife.com/events/89768/v2

Delving Into Power Anchorage : https://fetlife.com/events/113452/v2